Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
