Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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