Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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