So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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