At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
