Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
