She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
