if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
