You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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