Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
