Michael Bay diarrhea
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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