Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
