in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
