I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
