You really coming over, don't trick.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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