the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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