I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
