Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
