My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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