i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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