is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
