I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
