You can't special order awesome
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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