Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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