i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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