My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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