Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
