I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
