Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
