I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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