i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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