Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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