I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
