I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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