I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
