I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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