just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
