I love black thongs
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
