Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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