Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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