I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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