so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
