I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
