wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
