Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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