miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
