Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
