God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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