im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
