i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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