Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The uberlube is also flammable
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
